The experiences we have in life can significantly influence your thoughts/actions at work.
After my divorce, I found myself as a single parent with two jobs, shared custody of my one and half-year-old son, and a full-time graduate student working on my doctorate. Like most people, I had bills to pay, mortgage to stay on top of, medical check-ups for my son, meetings to attend, housework, etc. As an undergraduate, I had less “real world” responsibilities while working towards my degree. Now, as a graduate student, I was a father of a infant who was my world and a working professional with a position with a lot of responsibilities that did not allow me to “”phone it in” through day-to-day activities.
I found myself constantly in doubt of myself in the situation, asking: can I truly manage it all (work, parenthood, and school)? What was going to fall through the cracks? Did I have a solid support system to help make this happen? I found myself hesitating, at first, to make any decisions, especially ones based on fear or emotion. I sought my best friend’s advice on how I could make it all work. Her response set the tone for my life over the next few years: “You just do. You just make it happen.”
I remember looking over at my son, sleeping in his crib, and things started to come into focus. I remember the wise words a high school math tutor told me once when I was struggling in preparing for my final. Large math equations were overwhelming and confusing. I would just look at the equation and freeze. I did not know what to do. His wisdom really gave me a new perspective for life. He said, “when you look at the equation it looks overwhelming. There is a lot going on. Where do you start? How will you get to the end to solve it? The key is… break it down to what you know. Mike, you know how to add, subtract, multiply, and divide. You know the order of operations. So start with what you know. Solve the equation a little at a time. Eventually the overwhelming problem begins to solve itself. Break it down to what you know.” I started to solve the equation a step at a time. The overwhelming program began reveal its answer to me. In a short amount of time I was able to solve it. I had done it. The tutor turned to me, “Mike, equations like this is like life. They seem overwhelming at first. You don’t know where to start. You do not know how you will get to the answer. But break the larger problem down to what you know. Take a little piece at a time. The problem will seem less overwhelming and will begin to solve itself.”
His words… his voice came back to me that night as I was looking at my son sleeping. There was an overwhelming equation in front of me… but I started to break it down to what I know. I had 2 jobs. I had a roof over our heads. I was in school. I was on my way to completing my degree which would provide me with greater opportunities, more money, and the chance to show my son that even when your world is pretty shaken, you don’t give up… you solve the problem a little at a time.
A few years down the road as I entered the final leg of my degree, I was assigned an advisor who was to shape how I would interact, advise, and mentor my own students for the rest of my career. It was not an easy relationship with this advisor to say the least. He did not care about the essential “life elements” of his students. He had a framework and schedule from which he never deviated. It was clear he was close to retirement and was not invested as an educator. He only allowed one day a week to meet with students. He would only talk to students one day a week and only if it was scheduled in advanced. If he was busy you would have to wait another week. Everything was done based on his schedule and convenience.
My advisor would only provided me short notice when he would like to meet. He would email me at 5p on a Monday to inform me he would call me at 10:30am the following day. He did not care if I had work meetings, teaching a class, etc. If I was not available then I would have to wait a week till he was free again. Family responsibilities, work, and overall stress/fatigue jeopardized my ability to complete assignments. When I explained that, as a working single parent, my commitments did not coincide with his schedule, he would simply say he understood because he babysat for his three-year-old grandson three times a year. There was no true understanding, empathy, or connection to his student. How could he truly relate to the difficulties of single parent life.
As our interactions continued, nothing changed. When I had questions on my assignments he tasked me with, he would tell me to look at YouTube, instead of asking him. This was not how educational support in this modern day should be. From a business mindset, the money I was paying for this education and educational support was not yielding the intended results per the university.
More and more I began to experience fears that my educational journey would never end in the successful conclusion I would desire. I would sit there frustrated, absolutely certain that I could truly thrive if only I had an advisor/instructor who provided support, encouragement, and guidance.
It was clear working with this advisor, I realized that he had lost touch with what it was like to be a student. From that moment, I came to examine a little more deeply the motivations, challenges, and fears that compel my own students to come to my own classes.
My doctorate did finally come to a successful conclusion. It was battle. It was draining. But in the end, I was still standing. As a educator, advisor, and mentor, I believe my approach is a more holistic and engaging. When my students are distressed, I listen to them, but push myself to truly “hear” what is behind their words. Listen to hear not respond. Life stressors. Balancing everything. Fear.
I cannot change my own experiences nor do I want to. They shaped who I am and how I am. Now as the leader of an academic program, I can and do create a more positive and affirming environment for each of my students. I am flexible with my availability to find a workable balance between my schedule and theirs. When I share with them that they can reach out to me on a more flexible schedule, it reduces their stress because they know a resource is available to assist them. Sometimes knowing you have that support there (regardless if you use it) helps reduce the overwhelming feeling.
Now, I as an educator, I have single parents in my courses who struggle to come to class when a babysitter cancels or their child has a cold. Working with my academic dean and utilizing my technological background, I was able to “upgrade” two of my classrooms to allow for live streaming. Students can be home dealing with their family responsibilities — and participate in class. Enhancements have also been made in the delivery of my online courses to include more video lectures, transcripts of videos, and video conferencing for select classes. Little did I know that a couple years down the road, this new “approach” would be the foundation of providing classroom education during the time of COVID. This is the direct result from the negative and defeating interaction with my own advisor. Many students are only available after hours, so I make myself available to advise, discuss class, and mentor through similar live streaming options that provide an “in-person” experience much like a visit to campus during “normal” operating hours. Students can manage their day-to-day responsibilities, finish their education, and ultimately enhance their worlds.
As I look back on the past few years on how my teaching, advising, and mentoring have evolved, I see how my experiences taught me the determination to finish my journey and NOT be “that” educator to my own students as I remember from my own trials. They also gave me the opportunity to teach my son a lesson in perseverance. I learned a lot from my graduate experiences, and I know that the positive and the negative collectively shaped me as a professional, an educator, and a parent.
In the end, it all worked out. I finished my degree and am now married to a successful, beautiful, strong, woman, who is also an educator and administrator. We have two amazing boys (and one on the way) who we work hard to provide for. My career and life is headed in the direction I worked so hard to build. The journey still seems daunting and at times, but I remember the key advice I received… “Break it down to what you know.”
Educators need to remember that times have changed. Students are balancing work (sometimes multiple jobs), family, and school. The traditional approach to education that has been in place for years does not apply to the modern student. Availability cannot be 9 to 5. Most importantly, students are walking into the classroom worrying about paying loans, rent, and mortgage, and making sure their kids get their homework done, as well as completing their own. As educators, we need to look how we can provide our students a supportive learning environment without sacrificing the quality of the education. As educators we need to listen more, understand more, hear beyond the words. We need to look at the whole person in our classroom, not just the student persona. As “that” student, I understand the stresses and fears that weigh on students daily to meet everyone’s expectations and needs. That experience directly impacted how I work every day.
The Wolter Effect 